I absolutely cannot believe you are already turning three. It seems like yesterday we were all anticipating your arrival, nervously waiting in a room together. You have blessed my life in a way only you can. I never knew the tremendous joys of being an aunt until you came along and filled my heart with unending love!
Auntie Carrie has become one of my most favorite roles in life :)
I hope to one day get to share the special story of how you were brought into this family... from my point of view. I cannot wait to share that moment with you and
hopefully hear you ask me to tell it to you often after that. It's one of the most beautiful stories I've ever heard and experienced.
Since I'm the baby of my family and near the youngest of all my cousins (and also have no children of my own yet), you have been an amazing gateway to loving children. I love your sweet voice, staunch independence, and shrieking laughter when we play. You have put light in parts of my heart I didn't know existed and made me realize how deep love can grow.
Most of all, you gave me a new role in life. I never realized the blessings of "Aunthood" until you. There's something beautiful about seeing your siblings raise children... And also getting to love and be part of those kids' lives. You've given me a reason to reflect on my own Aunts and realize how much they truly mean to me... and probably grasp how much I mean to them.
I can actually remember one instance when one of my Aunts gave me a memory that brings tears to my eyes even now. On my wedding day, my Aunt Elaine saw me before the ceremony in my dress and everything... and started crying. The look on her face is engrained in my memory because she looked so incredibly happy... and so proud of me. There was no doubt that love was overflowing in that room that night.
The way she looked at me is how I hope to look at you one day, my sister's daughter. In three years, you've managed to teach me so much and increase my ability to love exponentially. Your life is a miracle. Your place in this family is forever special. You, my niece, are irreplaceable and incredibly important to me. My love for you reaches the stars and back before even scratching the surface.
As much as I love gifts, your life has been a perfectly precious gift to me... and our entire family. You've not only made me an Aunt; you've made me an extremely proud one.
bella and her cabbage patch doll (Hope) from Ryan and I at Christmas
us dancing in our tutu's at Christmas - yes, I'm wearing Bella's tutu :)
the past few days have been extremely meaningful for me. nothing extravagant has happened... nothing to magically change my mood or alter my life in any extreme way. i've been searching and looking for ways to connect with others more intentionally, and it's kicking my tail to say the least.
i always have said that family is the most important thing in my life. my older relatives have an extremely special place in my heart... you can easily find tears in my eyes when i talk about how much they mean to me and how my heart breaks that many of them have passed away without me getting more time with them that i wanted. [[here's an example of a blog that tore my heart up to write. it's about a relative who passed away who meant so much to me: uncle bedell]]
all of that to say, i try and talk to them and learn as much as i can from them. for example, i spent my thursday night last night "workin' a puzzle" with my mammaw (84) and great aunt helen (90). these women are sharp, intelligent, wise, and hilarious. it's extremely hard for me to ever pass up an opportunity to spend time with them and gain from what they have to say. i think after living almost a century, they have some thoughts on the world i'd love to hear. they also are both widows, and hearing them talking about their husbands fills my heart and breaks it at the same time. they are incredible.
ive learned so much from my older relatives, and i try so hard to keep hold to what they've taught me.
i'm learning that it's more than just life lessons, though... im trying
to take what i feel for them and give it to others. i had an experience
this morning at the doctor's office that i think would make them
proud....
i was running late for my appointment and was in a huge hurry to get to this receptionist's desk. an older woman with a cane was ahead of me, and a woman behind the counter told her to fill out some paperwork before her appointment. The elderly woman said, "Well, that'll be pretty hard for me. I've got Parkinson's and can barely write." My heart broke as I was instantly reminded of my great uncle who passed away from that same disease and hurt even more when the receptionist said, "Do your best" and sent the woman on her way. I went up and got my piles of paperwork and saw this woman sitting down attempting to fumble with her pen to fill out hers....
i thought about my mammaw, aunt helen, and uncle bedell... thoughts flooded my mind actually. i went and sat next to this sweet lady and said, "I overheard what you said up there. If you'd like, I'd be happy to write this out for you. I know it's kind of personal with all these medical questions, but I would really like to help out." The biggest look of relief came over this woman's face as she graciously accepted my offer, and we began to learn a lot about each other. We fumbled through insurance cards, social security numbers, family history of diseases (we got to know each other really well), and lots and lots of questions.
she was so thankful. i was so thankful. i felt like i was helping family... i would want someone to do the same for my family members and felt so gracious that i was able to help this woman today.
while we were waiting after the paperwork was all finished, i got to learn about her life. she had been a widow for almost 20 years and lived alone out in Van Buren. She talked about her kids, her marriage, and her constant moving around the country and the world with her husband who was in the Army. we talked about her son who passed away and how i felt connected to her because of my great uncle having Parkinson's and mammaw who is just 3 months younger than her.
Miss Artie helped me see today that I'm not too busy to do the right thing... it didn't ruin my schedule or even my day. i did a simple thing for her that probably changed her whole day and hopefully made her feel more connected... but more than that, it changed me. it helped me see that my family has taught me well and my heart followed through on a need i saw right in front of my eyes... that talking with an 84 year old woman about life in a waiting room can be extremely meaningful and uplifting. i felt like i was giving back because of the tender heart ive had for my older relatives, and today im extremely grateful that i took a small risk to offer my help and connected with a woman who is so different but really so much like me. Miss Artie taught me a lot about life today.
i found myself sharing with ryan while we were out of town last week about my experience about seeing our niece, Bella Marie, for the first time. The reason for sharing the story is irrelevant to this post, but it started a whirlwind of memories and emotions for me as I really thought about the joy that day brought our family.
[[If you'd like to read the full adoption story of my sister, click here Bella's Adoption Story]]
as i thought more and more about that day, my heart stirred about the topic of adoption and what it really means (I also follow one TV show now: Parenthood. I get to see the weekly struggle of a family wrestling with the ins and outs and challenges of adoption as well). I know people have many different reasons to adopt: some feel it's what's right... others biologically cannot procreate or have great difficulty with pregnancy... I'm sure there are reasons I haven't even thought of for adoption.
Part of me feels a little jaded when it comes to this topic. I grew up with a sister who knew pretty much her whole life that she'd never have children biologically. It was always just a known fact that Chrissy would adopt. We accepted it and knew that we'd love their children just as much as any others in the family. The jaded part comes when I feel like I have a sort of insensitivity or lack of understanding why adoption is always a "last resort" for some. I've heard stories of women having 20+ miscarriages while voicing that "God told them" that they would have a child of their own or others who choose to get pregnant knowing their pregnancy will be difficult and dangerously taxing on them physically. I don't want to get super-offensive here, but my niece is my sister's child... even if she did adopt her.
My struggle comes from the mindset that "our" children have to come from "our" bodies. I deeply respect and look up to families who adopt. My wish is that adoption could become more accepted among my generation (I believe it's starting to anyway). I get confused... and maybe these are my personal thoughts being posted publicly and shouldn't be... at why couples choose to put up this battle and "fight" for a pregnancy. Hear my heart - I've already said that I believe I'm a little jaded due to my awareness and proximity to adoption. I understand the desire to have child. I just wish there was more awareness of the need for adopting parents where amazing little babies and children can have loving parents... who are obviously willing to do whatever it takes to raise a child in a loving home.
Not to say that adoption doesn't have challenges and struggles of its own. I don't think it would be "fair" to get the child without the "pains of child bearing" promised to us women in Genesis. Adoption is a beautiful struggle with unending blessings and heartache. That sounds like parenting to me.
But when I look into the eyes of my niece.... There's nothing that can take away how precious she is to our family, how much she has taught us about God's love, and how He has adopted us all. And when I really think about it.... "our" children aren't really "our" children anyway. They're God's.
perhaps it would be wise to begin this post with a disclaimer: this will be very long, personal, and emotional... I have cried more times than I can count organizing pictures, looking at video, and thinking about this beautiful story God has written.
This is the story of how a sweet baby girl, Bella Marie, changed the lives of so many people. This is a story about adoption. This is the story of my sister's life, struggles, and victories. This is a story of God's faithfulness, love, and redemption. He is so good.
It all started for our family in 1979. Our parents got married, and the next year... my sister, Chrissy was born. [[I just recently found out that my Papaw named her, which is so special to me because I never got to meet him... yet everything about him somehow ripples to me. He passed away in 1982. He was only 59.]] In 1985, my sister was riding her bike in our home in Barling, AR. She took a really hard fall, and things didn't seem right because her bruises weren't going away. A quick trip to the doctor proved to be one of the most difficult days for my parents and my sister. The "accident on her bicycle" trip to the doctor soon became extremely serious, scary, and intimidating... somehow, my sister had leukemia.
there are so many hospital stories, scares, and "almost lost her," traumatic moments in the next few years for my family... in the middle of all that, my brother, Casey, was born (November of 1985 - talk about a gigantic year for the Craigs). My sister was undergoing constant treatment... Arkansas Children's Hospital to St. Jude's in Memphis... at one point - they actually sent her home to die. They told my parents to enjoy life with their little 6 year old girl and accept this detrimental news.
my parents never gave up.
they kept fighting. kept believing. kept praying. see, my sister is a miracle... her life is a testimony in and of itself, and my parents weren't going to give up on this miracle named Christa Marie. They also had a new bundle of joy welcomed into the family, somewhat unexpectedly. That baby girl was me... born in February of 1987.
I was born in a time of extreme stress and almost crisis. My sister was going to get a bone marrow transplant... only we had to go to New York City -- and they had to wait for me to be born so we could move there. I was just a few days old, and I took my first cross-country trip to one of my (now) favorite places in the world, NYC.
my mom and dad are seriously heroes to me. imagine their marriage up until this point: newborn baby, dealing with losing a father, finding out your 5 year old has cancer, another baby a few months after that, almost losing your daughter, medical tests that rip your heart out, seeing other cancer patients pass away, not to mention friendships/church families that hurry up and leave when hard times come, yet the rich and beautiful relationships maintained and begun during that time... then to have another baby (while miscarrying 2 other babies during my pregnancy... i was a triplet!), then to move across the country to a HUGE city with a sick kid, a toddler, and a newborn baby... not for sure knowing that this would be successful.
their faith inspires me.
here the 3 of us are taking a bath... :)
this is chrissy holding casey... she'd been on chemo - so she lost her hair.
this story keeps getting better. my brother was my sister's bone marrow donor. he was a perfect match, and she accepted it wonderfully! things were looking up for our family at that point... little did we know there were more hurdles to come. my sister had many complications... brain bleeds, tumor, etc - these things popped up AFTER the bone marrow transplant... it seemed as though they'd always been battling something medically.
once my sister's health improved and maintained... there was a blow that came that i want to say only a woman can truly understand... they told my sister
you won't be able to have children.
can you imagine hearing these words at such a young age? it's a blow that i can't even comprehend. dreams are crushed. hopes are shattered. part of you that feels like a "woman" is gone. yet, God always redeems.
my mom was wonderful to my sister during those difficult times. she's told me stories about how when chrissy was in the hospital, they'd sit and talk about her graduating from high school and college... having our dad walk her down the aisle... and having kids. After they got the news, my mom immediately encouraged her. Adoption is definitely an option, and she told her that you may not take a pregnancy test or experience childbirth... your telephone call will be your pregnancy test. they will, in essence, tell you... Chrissy, you're pregnant.
then of course, the dreadful thought of having to tell your future husband that you can't bear him any children. i'm telling you, this story is beautiful.
God is faithful.
my sister started dating Jason, and we all pretty much knew they were going to get married. they were perfect together, and our family was ready to grow with him in it! then of course... my sister had to tell him about her inability to get pregnant.
they were coming home from one of her yearly doctor's appointments in Little Rock, and she began to tell him her heart, her pain, and ultimately, her news about having to adopt once they get married.
Jason pulled the car over... You see, Jason had a little secret of his own that he hadn't told my sister yet. On the side of that highway, he shared that he himself had been adopted and had always wanted to adopt when he got married.
God writes the absolute best stories.
here they are volunteering at a summer camp for kids with cancer.
this is right after they got married in their house.
and oh no, the story isn't over yet.
a few years into their marriage, they decided that it was time to start the adoption process. now, some people might have some lofty ideas about how "easy" it is to adopt, and how "hard" childbirth is. I've never given birth to a child, but... I might go ahead and say that the adoption process is one of the most difficult, emotional, and painful... yet AMAZING things in life. you can definitely see the "pain" promised to Eve in Genesis paralleled to any women who has experienced adoption.
the waiting game might be the hardest. birthmoms pick a couple she wants to raise her child. mind games can come into play here... but we were hopeful and ready to get a baby to just love in our family.
that day came in February of 2010. On a Thursday, my sister and Jason found out that they had been "picked" by a birthmom.
she got her call.
the trick was that the baby was due the NEXT WEEK. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions... I was so excited that I went out that night and bought my sweet niece a bunch of new outfits. My whole family laughed at me and said I was jumping the gun, but I couldn't help my excitement.
((Little did we know that the next day, our sweet Bella Marie would be born.))
I got a call at work on Friday morning from my mom... birthmom's blood pressure was too high, and they had to induce her. OUR BABY WAS GOING TO BE BORN THAT DAY. Yes, my sister found out she was going to have a baby the DAY before it was born. It's the best story, huh! My mom and I just drove up to NWA as fast as we could. I brought all the clothes I had bought the night before (yes, the girl had clothes!)... and we went to help Chrissy get the "essentials" for what a newborn needs... and i'll let the pictures tell the story of the day.
here are mom and sister looking over the to-do list for baby day!
here are all the outfits from auntie carrie. notice the onsesie that says, "I love my auntie"
my mom and i excited and thrilled... just arrived at the hospital
the parents-to-be waiting for their daughter to be born.
we had a whole waiting room full of people
everybody wanted to be there for this day!
watch the video below to get a feel for how it is waiting for a baby to be born. you can hear how excited we all are... especially my sister :)
and below is the picture that makes me cry the most. my sister's smile has to be the biggest and brightest I've ever seen it. Every bad medical test, every tear shed as you grew up over not being able to have a baby, every doubt and fear... is erased. God knew way back then that Bella Marie would be in your arms on this day. He is faithful.
these 3 kids in New York City....
grew up to be these 3 kids in Arkansas....
who welcomed this amazing gift named Bella Marie.
instant love.
a proud Pops.
the sweetest little baby.
with Mammaw
we used to play with dolls...
now we have a baby.
a 6lb, 5oz little thing stole my heart February 5th, 2010.
hi, bright eyes.
uncle ryan & bella
the kids with the baby.
family.
favorite moments from this day: seeing my Mammaw hold Bella and whisper in her ear, "it's your great-grandmother." seeing my sister and jason smile bigger than ive ever seen watching a family grow seeing my parents' prayers come to life in a baby named Bella making bella dance when she was only a few hours old seeing all of our hearts have to grow exponentially to contain our love for this little baby
Grams, your prayers and dreams have arrived in that little bundle.
Leaving the hospital. Outfit thanks to Auntie Carrie!!
my little strawberry :)
her 1st Valentine's day... only a little over a week old
kisses for my sweetheart.
she's got Pops around her little finger, too
how many babies get to attend their own baby showers? Bella did!
cherishing time with family!
raising her right - she's a hogs fan as a newborn!
my little munchkin!
proud mom & dad.
loving mama.
so cute.
"watch me grow"
silly.
so cute!
8 months old!
on the lake with the family. She loves her Grams
4 generations of us women!
mammaw's namesake... Bella Marie
1 year Birthday party!
loved her cake!
like father...
like son...
She's getting big now!
riding the train with Grams, Mammaw & Auntie Carrie
posing.
laughing.
laughing again. sweet girl
she loves Grams.
She loves Mammaw, too.
Uncle Ryan & Bella Marie
She loves poochin those lips out for kisses, too!
our sweet, sweet girl.
So wow... there's the whole story about how a tiny little baby changed all our lives. The best part: God knew all along that it would be this way. He knew it when my parents were worried about their daughter surviving cancer. He knew it when my sister was in tears about not being able to have kids. He knew it during the painful adoption process. He is good. There is no better author to our stories than Christ. I look back and my family's history over the past 30 years, and I know the only reason we are here today... celebrating together, loving Bella and each other, and living life... is because of Him.
The best stories are the ones when you can't guess the ending right? who would have ever guessed such a beautiful one for us?
im thankful.
carrie anne
PS -- watch me teach her all her dance moves here... just a few hours old!
