How Does Your Garden Grow?

Recently, I did some gardening. It was really a forced activity. You see, last year I had this grand idea of creating a flowerbed in my front yard. Not just any flowerbed. No no. It had curves and bordered over half of the yard. It was intricate, and when it was done, it was beautiful. I was so happy to see it completed and almost exactly what I had pictured in my mind. Then I realized a year later that you can't just plant a garden and hope it turns out okay. Hope doesn't tend gardens.

So needless to say, my flowerbed turned into the eyesore of the block. We're talking weeds taller than my knees, root systems so complex that a 4th grader could do an amazing science experiment on 'em, and a scene so unsightly that I refuse to post a before/after image. While I was toiling away, I began thinking of how much this flowerbed was like marriage. I began saying things to myself that couples commonly say in my therapy office. Things like this:

"I didn't know it was this bad."

I seriously didn't. There was no way to prepare me for what was ahead when I finally decided to take care of my garden. I started, and I seriously almost quit right after I realized how much work there was to do. I didn't know it had gotten this bad. At times, I was yanking out weeds, and I was feeling better. The flowerbed looked better, but unless I got the root, I knew it was going to keep coming back. Good therapy addresses the root of marriage issues, not just teaching communication skills and address surface level issues. It's hard and takes longer, but those weeds didn't grow overnight either. Pulling them all out is tough stuff.

"If I had known, I would have done this sooner."

So many times I walked to the mailbox or pulled in the driveway and saw weeds coming out of the ground. I was embarrassed then but thought that I'd just get to it later. How much easier it would have been for me to just pull a few weeds out of the ground months ago rather than putting in all the work I did after it had gone way too far. Research is clear that couples wait and average of 7 years before attending therapy. Sometimes by then, it's too difficult to move on together after so much hurt. If you're in the River Valley, click here to begin that process with me in counseling. I'd be honored to join you.

 

"This is really hard work." 

Like... really hard work. Props to all the gardeners out there. You all have my utmost respect. I have been so sore that I have woken myself up at night just by turning over. I am sore in muscles I didn't know I even had. My legs were shaking like I had just left my barre class while I was yanking weeds out of the ground just 30 minutes in. Just like gardening, working on marriage issues is tough business. It's not for the faint of heart and requires perseverance. As mentioned before, it's not enough just to pull out the green stuff and leave the roots behind. As hard as it is, nothing will have truly lasting change until you address the roots. 

 

"There was never a good time to work on it."  

Yeah, there really wasn't. It was either scorching hot this summer or raining endlessly or I was really tired from a long day or my allergies were acting up or whatever excuse I had until my flowerbed turned into a big ugly mess. There's never a great time to weed the garden, and it doesn't really ever feel like there's a great time to work on your marriage either. I actually tried one day a few months ago to pull out a giant weed while walking back from the mailbox, and some stickers jabbed and stuck into my fingers. Probability went way down for me to try that again. Sometimes you try to address something in your marriage, and you get hurt; it's not worth it to let that continue to grow even though it makes sense why you'd shy away from something that hurts. (See Four Reasons Why You Won't Go to Marriage Counseling). If you wait for perfect conditions, you'll end up waiting forever.

"I can't believe all the work I put into this turned into a big mess."

This was hard for me. I was so proud of my flowerbed last year. It literally took ALL day to complete. Multiple trips to Home Depot, Walmart, Lowes. Supplies. Help from my family. Sweat. Possibly tears. But the end was so great. I was so happy to have checked off that project and have it be something so beautiful in our yard. I found myself disappointed in my lack of responsibility in between my handfuls of weeds and bugs. I could relate to couples who had great expectations and hopes for their marriages and suddenly realized the mess they were in. 

But hope is not a plan. Marriages, just like flowerbeds, require work... and not just once a year. They require care and the decision to pull "weeds" up from the root, even when it's risky and hurts. They deserve the hard work, even when it's inconvenient, difficult, and messy. Take a lesson from me and tend to your marriage before it gets too far. 

It might not be too late. 

im thankful.

carrie anne

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How I Learned to Risk: Part One

In 8th grade, I decided to try out for drill team. I was done with majorettes (that's baton twirling for all you non-band folk), and I wanted to be a Chaffin Charmer. An important fact to point out is all of my dance class history, which was zilch. Another important fact was my athletic ability; I was at the point of my life that I classify as the "awkward phase." Not my best few years. But, nevertheless, I signed up anyway. I went to the classes that taught the tryout dance, and my best friend at the time, Keely (who was 100% athlete and grace combined) helped me many afternoons to perfect my skills. I'll never forget her telling me how great I was at pointing my toes. 

So tryouts came, and even back then, they were a BIG deal. I got in my group of girls, headed into the gym, and did my best. I remember thinking in my head as a 14 year old chubby girl, "Do your best," "Smile," "Show your personality!" I walked out of the gym feeling like I had done what I could, and I felt secure in that, whatever the results came out to be. 

So back at this time, the Internet was not was it is today. The results of who made drill team and cheerleading were read after tryouts in the gym with everyone there to see your face and hear your cries. Spoiler alert: I did not make Chaffin Charmers that year. I didn't bust into tears or sob in my t-shirt. I was simply ready to exit the gym and get home. The only thing worse than being around all my peers in that gym to get those results was facing the barrage of screaming, hysterical, ridiculous moms waiting outside the glass doors outside. I will never forget one mom literally grabbing me and screaming, "DID SHE MAKE IT? DID 'SARAH' MAKE CHEERLEADER?!!!?" She shoved me aside before I could even answer. It was as close to a circus that I have ever been to. (Read Kevin Thompson's Blog What a Child's Mistake Reveals About a Parent for more insight on that area).

My tears didn't come until I walked up to my mom and had to tell her that I didn't make it... with all my green and gold good luck balloons, flowers, cards, and candy in my hands. I remember her hugging me, saying, "Oh baby. I'm so sorry. I'm sure you did your best and that it was great." We went home, and we talked more about the tryouts and the day I had getting these gifts and notes of good luck and a gigantic card signed by everyone I loved at the time wishing me the best. Even in my moment of "failure," my mom comforted me, supported me, and loved me without making me feel any shame. 

This memory came as a fleeting thought last week, and I cried as I began to think of how powerful this has been for me in my life. I cried talking to my husband about it, and I'm crying now as I type. I started thinking about how I had NO business trying out for a dance team - what was I even thinking? How did I even think I had a chance? How many times in my life did I attempt something that was completely out of my reach? How was I able to do that?

It's because of my mom. 

When I had a grand idea or some lofty dream, she was there to tell me I could do it and do it well. There was no doubt or discouragement when I said I wanted to try out to be a Charmer; she sent me the biggest good luck balloon there was. When I said that I wanted to to try out to give a speech at my high school graduation (when really I should stick to just writing and not really ever public speaking), she was my audience for a mock performance giving me the standing ovation in the living room. When I wanted to move across the country to spend a summer in Atlanta, she threw me a goodbye party, rode with me halfway, kissed me goodbye, and said I'd be fine. When I wanted to go to graduate school, she was there to say I could do it and that she was already so proud. When I wanted to go skydiving, she said I love you and be safe and watched as I got on a plane.

*Photo Cred: Stuart Lippincott

Mom, you were my safety net when I stepped out on unsteady tightropes. You were my parachute when I jumped out of tiny, beat up planes. You have been my safe place of loving support for my entire life, and it's because of you that I learned to leap and not fear the fall. You have given me a gift that many kids don't get... that will last all of my life and into my future children's lives. To say thank you is not enough, but thank you from the bottom of my heart. So many times I swung for the fences, not even knowing that I was a t-ball player in a major league game... all because you confidently held up a pendant reading "YOU CAN DO IT!" from the bleachers. You are the reason I can risk... because I know that you will be there if I make it or not, saying I did my best and that you love me anyway.

im thankful

carrie anne

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How to Deal with the Storms of Life

The storms of life hit all of us at times. We encounter loss, heartache, grief, and sadness, and a lot of times we have no idea how to make it through these particularly difficult parts of life. Everyone around us has their suggestions and advice, or even worse, nothing to say at all when we go through a painful situation. But what are we supposed to do when things go from better to worse and then worse to worst? What is the plan when one wave of life knocks us down and another one comes before we can even find out footing again?

Whether it's the loss of a loved one, divorce, a breakup, traumatic event, difficult news or a shocking diagnosis...Here are my thoughts for 4 ways to make it through painful moments in life.

 

1.) Survive

This may seem simple, but I can certainly assure that even surviving can feel like climbing Mount Everest for someone going through a difficult time in life. And what I mean by "survive," is just to simply make it through each day. Eat, drink, sleep, and survive.  When you're drowning in the middle of the ocean and fighting to stay above the waves, you aren't concerned with the form of your strokes or your tan lines. You just have to keep your head above the water. Forget the "fluff" of life: thank you cards, meetings, laundry, miscellaneous appointments, etc. At least temporarily, if it isn't required for you to survive through the day, let it slide.

2.) Stay close to supportive, loving people you can trust

Support of trusted friends and family can make an enormous difference in your grieving process. Being honest with them about what you need and don't need is also very important. If you're the type of person who wants people around and doesn't like to be alone, then vocalize those desires. And conversely, if you're the type who likes to be alone and grieve in solitude, then by all means, let that be known. Sometimes family and friends do their best to show support and love, and their best way of showing it may not be what you need/want. And if you know someone going through a difficult time and don't want to say/do the wrong thing, please read this article. I think it beautifully describes how to be a good friend to those in painful situations:  How Not to Say the Wrong Thing

#125984486 / gettyimages.com

3.) Avoid people who will cause confusion, irritation, or hurt

This may seem like it would be obvious given #2; however, it deserves its own bullet point. In the grieving process, it is all about YOU. You get to decide who you let in and who you don't, and there is nothing wrong with avoiding people who you bring you down during that process.

My family went through a traumatic experience when my sister was diagnosed with Leukemia at 5 years old (To read about my sister's survival and beautiful story, Click Here). My parents had to learn the hard way that some unexpected friends would be there for support, and other friends they counted on to be there wouldn't be. At times, some people were judgmental, mean, and downright nasty to my parents. In the process of caring for their terminally ill daughter, I can see nothing wrong with avoiding the people whose only function was to bring my family down. Basically, if someone's not throwing you a life jacket and helping you to keep from drowning, they aren't necessary to keep close to you.

4.) Cling to the truth

One of the most important things to do in the process of dealing with "waves of life" is to cling to what is true. So often, people in situations with horrible loss and almost constant hurt can become confused, lost, and afraid. One of the best ways to counter these emotions (other than to lean on others who are supportive) is to cling to what is true. Find Scripture that speaks to God's fondness of you to help if you are fighting doubts about who you are as a person. Review facts about what has happened and what may occur in the future in order to focus your mind and help to keep it from spinning out of control. Sometimes it seems impossible to focus your mind during these parts of life; cut yourself some slack. Be kind to yourself, and if you don't have the support system you need, consider seeing a therapist to help you organize and sort through the overwhelming spot you're in.

One thing that is guaranteed for all of us in life is to encounter difficult moments. For some of us, those moments may last longer and have fewer breaks between now and the next one. Hopefully, these 4 ideas might help you get through a painful situation or help you to be a better support for someone who is. I hope this brings some encouragement for those currently in painful situations... that surviving through it may be the best way you know how, and your best is enough.

im thankful.

carrie anne

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Why Validation Ain't Such a Bad Thing

There's been a graphic going around the Internet, mainly by women's boutiques and adult females re-posting through social media. Here is it: 

Now, at first glance, some or most people would typically agree with this statement. We live in a culture that admires and celebrates independence and self-sufficiency, and in the midst of the feminist movement the past few decades, we celebrate these traits even more in women.

I can clearly see the pull toward this belief. Western culture has put the 'individual' on a pedestal for a long stretch of time. Look at any of our long-time heroes: John Wayne, Superman, and even Walter White (Breaking Bad fans, anyway?). It's filled in our music: Destiny's Child fans - "All the women who independent? Throw your hands up at me!", Ne-Yo's Miss Independent, and recently in Paramore's new single "Don't go crying to your mama 'cause you're on your own in the real world." We admire the individual instead of the team. Doing it on your own instead of asking for help. The person instead of the group... So it's easy to think that "not needing anyone else" makes us stronger, but I couldn't possibly disagree more.

It's my belief that we're never weaker than when all we depend on is ourselves. Over time (especially women), have decided that to need someone/depend on someone/rely on someone is a sign of weakness. We put up a wall that says, "I depend on me, and I don't need you." I think that's the message of this particular graphic, and it actually makes me sad. What a beautiful thing to have a relationship where there is connection, validation, support, and a secure bond. 

I understand why the wall gets put up; I'm assuming it's protection... from past hurts, future fears, and current insecurities about letting someone in who might let us down. I get it. But God didn't gift us with this life to live and move through it disconnected from the vulnerable and beautiful parts of others around us. It takes GREAT courage to receive or (oh my gosh) ask for validation. I think (and research shows) the strongest, most secure, and long-lasting relationships are the ones where partners are brave enough, vulnerable enough, strong enough to ask for validation and reassurance. What an amazing connection and enduring bond that brings for two people.

So in a way, I do agree with this graphic. The woman who doesn't require validation from anyone is the most feared woman on the planet; it definitely frightens me to think about having to live through life without the support, validation, and safety net of God, my husband, family, and friends. I definitely fear becoming that woman, and I hope that seeking validation and connection with others never becomes defined as a weakness for me personally. I think it's one of God's richest gifts to us and humanity's greatest strength and lifeline. 

So validation ain't such a bad thing after all...

im thankful.

carrie anne

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Four Reasons Why You Won't Go to Marriage Counseling.

Therapy can be a tremendous asset for your personal life and relationships. It can bring clarity, security, connection, and forgiveness that some never thought was possible. It can breathe new life into tired souls, repair hurts that seem too difficult to mend, and connect people who thought the time on their relationship had run out. It's a process that I find so meaningful that I've devoted my heart and professional life to helping others strive toward these seemingly impossible outcomes. 

So why do people put off counseling for so long? Statistics show that the average length of time a couple waits until they begin seeking therapy for a broken marriage is seven years. SEVEN YEARS. Imagine the hurt and bitterness that can grow in seven years that wasn't there in year one. Imagine the task of the therapist (or most therapists given the statistic) of trying to manage the amount of pain and anguish between this couple who have been trying to live with/fix/avoid the broken pattern of their relationship for so long. So why the wait? When someone has a broken arm, we go to the doctor for help immediately. We don't stay home reading books, looking up articles on the Internet, or trying our own medical expertise from the Boy Scouts to set the bone ourselves when there's help available. So why do we do that same thing with our broken marriages?

I think for a lot of couples, one or both partners deny a problem is even there. Perhaps one or both partners see a problem but try to keep up appearances of having a good marriage. It's hard diving into those issues, especially if you aren't confident that your partner will respond lovingly or openly. Sometimes starting therapy individually and adding a spouse in later can work; it shows your spouse that you're serious about working this out, even if that means just you working on it for a while if the other is unwilling.

Another reason is fear. What happens if someone sees us going to therapy? What happens if I have to become vulnerable and share parts of myself/our marriage that I want to stay hidden? What if therapy doesn't work and I put in all of this effort for nothing? All are valid fears. Even in today's culture where therapy has become more socially acceptable, it can still be embarrassing to be seen in a therapist's office. It's also a pretty scary experience to go and sit with a stranger and share parts of your life that aren't pretty and hurt you tremendously. And I think that it makes sense to be weary of putting in so much effort without getting the results you want. But what if therapy does work? What if things get better? And what happens if you don't seek help? Where does that leave you and your marriage? 

Money can be a barrier to most anything. Therapy isn't the most affordable thing in the world, and it makes sense that people don't want to risk throwing money into therapy when it might not end up how you wanted. However, we spend money on some crazy things and then turn right around and say therapy is too expensive. Cancel your cable for a few months. Stay in and eat instead of going out for a while. Rent a movie instead of going to the theater. Have a spending freeze where you don't buy clothes/makeup/sports equipment/etc. Maybe even work out at home instead of keeping up that gym membership/workout classes. Eliminating one or a few of these expense would give you more time together with your spouse and the money you might need for therapy. When you consider what's at stake (marriage, family, legacy), therapy really shouldn't ever sound that expensive anyway.

I know for many people in the River Valley area, the quality of therapy has been a major reason to avoid making an appointment. Who wants to go see a therapist when what you've heard about him or her hasn't been great? Or maybe you've seen a therapist before, had a bad experience, and won't ever go back. When we realize what's at stake or what might be lost if this doesn't work, we don't just run to the first clinician we can find any trust him or her with our deepest hurts and wounds. It makes sense to be cautious and to find a therapist who is properly trained, caring, empathic, and understanding... and not only that, but also confident that you can find connection with each other again. It's one of the main reasons I stepped out to begin private practice in this area this year after 3 years of working in an agency: I want to be able offer quality therapy to help couples and have them know that reconnection and repair is possible.

If you are struggling in your marriage or in your own personal life (or you know someone who is/couples who are), please urge them to seek counseling. As mentioned before, therapy can foster changes in relationships and individuals that seemed impossible before starting the process. And hopefully hearing from a therapist and seeing that I understand the struggle to get into my office and start the process will help make it in someway easier to take that step for yourself or your marriage. There are still a few eager and hopeful therapists in this area committed to helping you and your partner get your marriage where you want it to be. 

I'm honored to get to say that I am one of them.

im thankful.

carrie anne

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