How Does Your Garden Grow?

Recently, I did some gardening. It was really a forced activity. You see, last year I had this grand idea of creating a flowerbed in my front yard. Not just any flowerbed. No no. It had curves and bordered over half of the yard. It was intricate, and when it was done, it was beautiful. I was so happy to see it completed and almost exactly what I had pictured in my mind. Then I realized a year later that you can't just plant a garden and hope it turns out okay. Hope doesn't tend gardens.

So needless to say, my flowerbed turned into the eyesore of the block. We're talking weeds taller than my knees, root systems so complex that a 4th grader could do an amazing science experiment on 'em, and a scene so unsightly that I refuse to post a before/after image. While I was toiling away, I began thinking of how much this flowerbed was like marriage. I began saying things to myself that couples commonly say in my therapy office. Things like this:

"I didn't know it was this bad."

I seriously didn't. There was no way to prepare me for what was ahead when I finally decided to take care of my garden. I started, and I seriously almost quit right after I realized how much work there was to do. I didn't know it had gotten this bad. At times, I was yanking out weeds, and I was feeling better. The flowerbed looked better, but unless I got the root, I knew it was going to keep coming back. Good therapy addresses the root of marriage issues, not just teaching communication skills and address surface level issues. It's hard and takes longer, but those weeds didn't grow overnight either. Pulling them all out is tough stuff.

"If I had known, I would have done this sooner."

So many times I walked to the mailbox or pulled in the driveway and saw weeds coming out of the ground. I was embarrassed then but thought that I'd just get to it later. How much easier it would have been for me to just pull a few weeds out of the ground months ago rather than putting in all the work I did after it had gone way too far. Research is clear that couples wait and average of 7 years before attending therapy. Sometimes by then, it's too difficult to move on together after so much hurt. If you're in the River Valley, click here to begin that process with me in counseling. I'd be honored to join you.

 

"This is really hard work." 

Like... really hard work. Props to all the gardeners out there. You all have my utmost respect. I have been so sore that I have woken myself up at night just by turning over. I am sore in muscles I didn't know I even had. My legs were shaking like I had just left my barre class while I was yanking weeds out of the ground just 30 minutes in. Just like gardening, working on marriage issues is tough business. It's not for the faint of heart and requires perseverance. As mentioned before, it's not enough just to pull out the green stuff and leave the roots behind. As hard as it is, nothing will have truly lasting change until you address the roots. 

 

"There was never a good time to work on it."  

Yeah, there really wasn't. It was either scorching hot this summer or raining endlessly or I was really tired from a long day or my allergies were acting up or whatever excuse I had until my flowerbed turned into a big ugly mess. There's never a great time to weed the garden, and it doesn't really ever feel like there's a great time to work on your marriage either. I actually tried one day a few months ago to pull out a giant weed while walking back from the mailbox, and some stickers jabbed and stuck into my fingers. Probability went way down for me to try that again. Sometimes you try to address something in your marriage, and you get hurt; it's not worth it to let that continue to grow even though it makes sense why you'd shy away from something that hurts. (See Four Reasons Why You Won't Go to Marriage Counseling). If you wait for perfect conditions, you'll end up waiting forever.

"I can't believe all the work I put into this turned into a big mess."

This was hard for me. I was so proud of my flowerbed last year. It literally took ALL day to complete. Multiple trips to Home Depot, Walmart, Lowes. Supplies. Help from my family. Sweat. Possibly tears. But the end was so great. I was so happy to have checked off that project and have it be something so beautiful in our yard. I found myself disappointed in my lack of responsibility in between my handfuls of weeds and bugs. I could relate to couples who had great expectations and hopes for their marriages and suddenly realized the mess they were in. 

But hope is not a plan. Marriages, just like flowerbeds, require work... and not just once a year. They require care and the decision to pull "weeds" up from the root, even when it's risky and hurts. They deserve the hard work, even when it's inconvenient, difficult, and messy. Take a lesson from me and tend to your marriage before it gets too far. 

It might not be too late. 

im thankful.

carrie anne

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what ive learned from family.

the past few days have been extremely meaningful for me. nothing extravagant has happened... nothing to magically change my mood or alter my life in any extreme way. i've been searching and looking for ways to connect with others more intentionally, and it's kicking my tail to say the least. 

i always have said that family is the most important thing in my life. my older relatives have an extremely special place in my heart... you can easily find tears in my eyes when i talk about how much they mean to me and how my heart breaks that many of them have passed away without me getting more time with them that i wanted. [[here's an example of a blog that tore my heart up to write. it's about a relative who passed away who meant so much to me: uncle bedell]]

 all of that to say, i try and talk to them and learn as much as i can from them. for example, i spent my thursday night last night "workin' a puzzle" with my mammaw (84) and great aunt helen (90). these women are sharp, intelligent, wise, and hilarious. it's extremely hard for me to ever pass up an opportunity to spend time with them and gain from what they have to say. i think after living almost a century, they have some thoughts on the world i'd love to hear. they also are both widows, and hearing them talking about their husbands fills my heart and breaks it at the same time. they are incredible. 

ive learned so much from my older relatives, and i try so hard to keep hold to what they've taught me. i'm learning that it's more than just life lessons, though... im trying to take what i feel for them and give it to others. i had an experience this morning at the doctor's office that i think would make them proud....

 i was running late for my appointment and was in a huge hurry to get to this receptionist's desk. an older woman with a cane was ahead of me, and a woman behind the counter told her to fill out some paperwork before her appointment. The elderly woman said, "Well, that'll be pretty hard for me. I've got Parkinson's and can barely write." My heart broke as I was instantly reminded of my great uncle who passed away from that same disease and hurt even more when the receptionist said, "Do your best" and sent the woman on her way. I went up and got my piles of paperwork and saw this woman sitting down attempting to fumble with her pen to fill out hers.... 

i thought about my mammaw, aunt helen, and uncle bedell... thoughts flooded my mind actually. i went and sat next to this sweet lady and said, "I overheard what you said up there. If you'd like, I'd be happy to write this out for you. I know it's kind of personal with all these medical questions, but I would really like to help out." The biggest look of relief came over this woman's face as she graciously accepted my offer, and we began to learn a lot about each other. We fumbled through insurance cards, social security numbers, family history of diseases (we got to know each other really well), and lots and lots of questions. 

she was so thankful. i was so thankful. i felt like i was helping family... i would want someone to do the same for my family members and felt so gracious that i was able to help this woman today.

while we were waiting after the paperwork was all finished, i got to learn about her life. she had been a widow for almost 20 years and lived alone out in Van Buren. She talked about her kids, her marriage, and her constant moving around the country and the world with her husband who was in the Army. we talked about her son who passed away and how i felt connected to her because of my great uncle having Parkinson's and mammaw who is just 3 months younger than her. 

Miss Artie helped me see today that I'm not too busy to do the right thing... it didn't ruin my schedule or even my day. i did a simple thing for her that probably changed her whole day and hopefully made her feel more connected... but more than that, it changed me. it helped me see that my family has taught me well and my heart followed through on a need i saw right in front of my eyes... that talking with an 84 year old woman about life in a waiting room can be extremely meaningful and uplifting. i felt like i was giving back because of the tender heart ive had for my older relatives, and today im extremely grateful that i took a small risk to offer my help and connected with a woman who is so different but really so much like me. Miss Artie taught me a lot about life today.

im thankful.

carrie anne

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