Why Validation Ain't Such a Bad Thing

There's been a graphic going around the Internet, mainly by women's boutiques and adult females re-posting through social media. Here is it: 

Now, at first glance, some or most people would typically agree with this statement. We live in a culture that admires and celebrates independence and self-sufficiency, and in the midst of the feminist movement the past few decades, we celebrate these traits even more in women.

I can clearly see the pull toward this belief. Western culture has put the 'individual' on a pedestal for a long stretch of time. Look at any of our long-time heroes: John Wayne, Superman, and even Walter White (Breaking Bad fans, anyway?). It's filled in our music: Destiny's Child fans - "All the women who independent? Throw your hands up at me!", Ne-Yo's Miss Independent, and recently in Paramore's new single "Don't go crying to your mama 'cause you're on your own in the real world." We admire the individual instead of the team. Doing it on your own instead of asking for help. The person instead of the group... So it's easy to think that "not needing anyone else" makes us stronger, but I couldn't possibly disagree more.

It's my belief that we're never weaker than when all we depend on is ourselves. Over time (especially women), have decided that to need someone/depend on someone/rely on someone is a sign of weakness. We put up a wall that says, "I depend on me, and I don't need you." I think that's the message of this particular graphic, and it actually makes me sad. What a beautiful thing to have a relationship where there is connection, validation, support, and a secure bond. 

I understand why the wall gets put up; I'm assuming it's protection... from past hurts, future fears, and current insecurities about letting someone in who might let us down. I get it. But God didn't gift us with this life to live and move through it disconnected from the vulnerable and beautiful parts of others around us. It takes GREAT courage to receive or (oh my gosh) ask for validation. I think (and research shows) the strongest, most secure, and long-lasting relationships are the ones where partners are brave enough, vulnerable enough, strong enough to ask for validation and reassurance. What an amazing connection and enduring bond that brings for two people.

So in a way, I do agree with this graphic. The woman who doesn't require validation from anyone is the most feared woman on the planet; it definitely frightens me to think about having to live through life without the support, validation, and safety net of God, my husband, family, and friends. I definitely fear becoming that woman, and I hope that seeking validation and connection with others never becomes defined as a weakness for me personally. I think it's one of God's richest gifts to us and humanity's greatest strength and lifeline. 

So validation ain't such a bad thing after all...

im thankful.

carrie anne

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Four Reasons Why You Won't Go to Marriage Counseling.

Therapy can be a tremendous asset for your personal life and relationships. It can bring clarity, security, connection, and forgiveness that some never thought was possible. It can breathe new life into tired souls, repair hurts that seem too difficult to mend, and connect people who thought the time on their relationship had run out. It's a process that I find so meaningful that I've devoted my heart and professional life to helping others strive toward these seemingly impossible outcomes. 

So why do people put off counseling for so long? Statistics show that the average length of time a couple waits until they begin seeking therapy for a broken marriage is seven years. SEVEN YEARS. Imagine the hurt and bitterness that can grow in seven years that wasn't there in year one. Imagine the task of the therapist (or most therapists given the statistic) of trying to manage the amount of pain and anguish between this couple who have been trying to live with/fix/avoid the broken pattern of their relationship for so long. So why the wait? When someone has a broken arm, we go to the doctor for help immediately. We don't stay home reading books, looking up articles on the Internet, or trying our own medical expertise from the Boy Scouts to set the bone ourselves when there's help available. So why do we do that same thing with our broken marriages?

I think for a lot of couples, one or both partners deny a problem is even there. Perhaps one or both partners see a problem but try to keep up appearances of having a good marriage. It's hard diving into those issues, especially if you aren't confident that your partner will respond lovingly or openly. Sometimes starting therapy individually and adding a spouse in later can work; it shows your spouse that you're serious about working this out, even if that means just you working on it for a while if the other is unwilling.

Another reason is fear. What happens if someone sees us going to therapy? What happens if I have to become vulnerable and share parts of myself/our marriage that I want to stay hidden? What if therapy doesn't work and I put in all of this effort for nothing? All are valid fears. Even in today's culture where therapy has become more socially acceptable, it can still be embarrassing to be seen in a therapist's office. It's also a pretty scary experience to go and sit with a stranger and share parts of your life that aren't pretty and hurt you tremendously. And I think that it makes sense to be weary of putting in so much effort without getting the results you want. But what if therapy does work? What if things get better? And what happens if you don't seek help? Where does that leave you and your marriage? 

Money can be a barrier to most anything. Therapy isn't the most affordable thing in the world, and it makes sense that people don't want to risk throwing money into therapy when it might not end up how you wanted. However, we spend money on some crazy things and then turn right around and say therapy is too expensive. Cancel your cable for a few months. Stay in and eat instead of going out for a while. Rent a movie instead of going to the theater. Have a spending freeze where you don't buy clothes/makeup/sports equipment/etc. Maybe even work out at home instead of keeping up that gym membership/workout classes. Eliminating one or a few of these expense would give you more time together with your spouse and the money you might need for therapy. When you consider what's at stake (marriage, family, legacy), therapy really shouldn't ever sound that expensive anyway.

I know for many people in the River Valley area, the quality of therapy has been a major reason to avoid making an appointment. Who wants to go see a therapist when what you've heard about him or her hasn't been great? Or maybe you've seen a therapist before, had a bad experience, and won't ever go back. When we realize what's at stake or what might be lost if this doesn't work, we don't just run to the first clinician we can find any trust him or her with our deepest hurts and wounds. It makes sense to be cautious and to find a therapist who is properly trained, caring, empathic, and understanding... and not only that, but also confident that you can find connection with each other again. It's one of the main reasons I stepped out to begin private practice in this area this year after 3 years of working in an agency: I want to be able offer quality therapy to help couples and have them know that reconnection and repair is possible.

If you are struggling in your marriage or in your own personal life (or you know someone who is/couples who are), please urge them to seek counseling. As mentioned before, therapy can foster changes in relationships and individuals that seemed impossible before starting the process. And hopefully hearing from a therapist and seeing that I understand the struggle to get into my office and start the process will help make it in someway easier to take that step for yourself or your marriage. There are still a few eager and hopeful therapists in this area committed to helping you and your partner get your marriage where you want it to be. 

I'm honored to get to say that I am one of them.

im thankful.

carrie anne

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five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.

How do you measure a year? 

 I woke up this morning after a sleepless night last night with the instant sting of realizing that it's been one year. 

One year without my sweet Aunt Elaine.

 View her story here

My brain can barely comprehend life without her here... and it's been a year today. A year of firsts for our family: the first birthday without her, the first Christmas without hearing her laugh and cackle, the first gathering of the cousins without her in the picture. All these reminders that she's gone. 

But today is painful. Today is a reminder of the day she left us. A year that feels like forever ago and just yesterday all at once. It stings. It hurts. I grieve. 

But I also rejoice. 

My brother sang this beautiful song at my Aunt's funeral, and it has been my anthem ever since. 

There is hope. 

Though we suffer and grieve here... and though this year has been one of the longest and most painful without my precious Aunt, the time she has spent in Heaven is incomparable. 

It doesn't change the fact that I still miss her. I hate that she never got to step foot in my first home, play with my precious puppy who I know she'd love, be with us at Christmas and family get togethers again, or make me laugh endlessly without knowing how what she said was funny.

She's being held in Heaven. 

And we are being held here. 

God knows us both and comforts us all.

A year without you has been so hard. I miss you endlessly and love you with all my heart. 

im thankful.

carrie anne

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in defense.

There are many times in life I wonder why. I wonder why bad things happen to good people and vice versa. I wonder why someone ever invented panty hose? I wonder why God decided to make this Earth the way it is. I wonder why people are so mean? 

When I was younger, my mom used to tell me that I was filled with "righteous indignation." At the time, it sounded like a spell a witch puts on you; however, now I consider it a great compliment. I watch others hurting and get filled with passion to speak out or do something to make it change. One of my favorite shows is "What Would You Do" put on by John Quiñones. I watch these episodes designed to have people step in and speak up for someone else in a difficult position. I've often struggled with knowing when to speak up for others, especially when my passion is strong, and still maintain my own integrity and character in the process. 

At this point in time, I feel it necessary to speak up for a man I truly respect and admire: 

Coach Jim Rowland 

Recently, an article was published in the local paper that called into question Coach Rowland's character and accused him of running a "good ole boy system" in the Fort Smith Public School's athletic department. While everyone is entitled to his own opinion, I also feel it is necessary to publish facts when the article is published in anything other than the opinion section. There were no concrete details, only accusations based on "whispers and stories" from people in this area. And let's face it, if you're getting information from dads of junior high and high school kids, you know your information will be embarrassingly wrong. 

So let's talk about Coach Rowland. He started working in the Fort Smith Public School system  in 1963. He was a track and football coach at Darby Junior High and then moved to be an assistant football coach at Northside High School for 4 years. In 1970, he transitioned to become the head football coach at Southside High School for 12 years. In 1982, he was Southside's assistant principal until 1991 where he became the Fort Smith Athletic Director, which is the title he still holds 23 years later. 

One of the points made in this article is how awkward it must be for players from Northside to come to play at Southside when the stadium is named after the Athletic Director. First of all, I highly doubt that players will ever care about the name of a stadium. That has to be the last thing on their mind on Friday night.  Secondly, what is wrong with honoring a man who has been devoted to ALL Fort Smith schools since 1963? Most cities (until recently) in this district haven't had to encounter NEAR the amount of balancing and work that Fort Smith has had just by having 2 high schools in the same town. Some may say there is favoritism over the other, but neither school has received any upgrade (turf, indoor facility, etc) that the other hasn't also received as well. This put Fort Smith as a whole behind other schools, but it was what was fair. Lastly, the Fort Smith School Board was responsible for voting that the stadium be named after Coach Rowland.... and rightfully so. The man deserved it and still continues to deserve it. What other stadium/arena/venue would have been renamed for him? This was a perfect opportunity, and I was honored to watch its dedication. 

I've never known a harder working man than Coach Rowland. Growing up in the Fort Smith Public School system basically my entire life, I've seen this man at almost every sporting event I attended.... and not even just the games. He's at practices and meetings and painting football fields at 5 in the morning and mowing grass and meeting with horrible, awful parents who just want to complain about anything... all in between riding his bike daily, loving a breathtakingly beautiful wife, raising a loving family, and having fun with his grandchildren. I honestly don't know how he does it, especially when there are people as bold and as rude enough to criticize the job he has done. 

I'm sure after working in that position since 1991, there have been a few mistakes made. The writer pointed out how the "whispers and stories and allegations" he heard were about people sneaking their kids across town to play sports in a different district. I wonder how a man as busy as Coach Rowland is doesn't have time to investigate and study these things? I wonder how a man with a schedule as full doesn't think to follow and go door-to door after every address is turned in at every school at the beginning of every season and verify that each athlete currently resides at each address? If you want to hold someone responsible for kids going to school in the wrong district, how about their parents? When did we fall so far away that we have to blame administration for something that wouldn't be a problem if parents did the right thing? If there's a finger to point, it's with the kids' parents forging documents and lying for their children, not with the athletic director. 

All of this to say, I wonder why this man decided to publish this article? What was the purpose? He stated many times that Coach Rowland should retire. I'm assuming that will probably happen. Why state the obvious? Of course Coach Rowland will retire. I don't think he even wants to work this hard forever. So why even say it? Why drag someone's name through mud just to make a point that someone without Fort Smith ties needs to be hired? The article could have easily been written without all of the nonsense published for the entire city to read.  The writer mentioned "powerful leaders" in the school system including Dr. Gooden, Mr. Haver, and Dr. McDonald, and went out of his way to EXCLUDE Coach Rowland from this group. My sir, how wrong you are. If you knew this man at all, you'd have a different story.

And after I read the article, I was hurt.

 I was hurt because this man has been my mom's boss for nearly 15 years. I know this man. He's watched me grow up. I've seen him come to practices in the summer Arkansas heat to check out the teams and encourage the coaches. I've seen players and coaches get hushed and quiet and show respect that you can feel down in your bones for this man. I've watched him come in and out of that athletic office, walking with that rushed, forward leaning walk only he has. I've heard him handle stressful situations and parents who are unbelievably rude/clueless with class and respect. I've watched him care for my mom and be a wonderful boss to her. I've seen him get up from his busiest days behind his desk just to come out and ask me about life and how I'm doing. I've witnessed him lose his lifelong friend as well as his long-time secretary to cancer and grieve for friends and colleagues in difficult situations.

Good ole boy system you say? 

Who I know is a good man. 

im thankful.

carrie anne

Coach Rowland and I after State Bowling Championship in 2005. Rebs won!

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